New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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