Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
