You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize