I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
