R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
