Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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