If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
