he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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