i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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