im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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