Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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