i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
