Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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