do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
