im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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