The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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