remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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