Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
