Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
