You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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