at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
