cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
