they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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