By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize