He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
