Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
