I could make wine with my vomit
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
