so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
