Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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