Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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