He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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