I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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