i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
