and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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