I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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