if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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