I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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