You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
