i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
