By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
