he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
