I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
