careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
