Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
