I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
