Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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