I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
