Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize