Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
