farters have to be the big spoon...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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