I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
