is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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