That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
