why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
