He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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