I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
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