I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize