Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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