dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
