My liver just broke up with me...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
