EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
