and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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