i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
