I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize