She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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