Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
